I fell in love with love...

If you don't know what song I am referring to in my title, I suggest you go watch this right now! And this, since this is the real reference...

I want to cheer up after all this downer talk.  So last thing about this episode, and then I'm done.  

I realized today that I was in love with the thought of being in love. Dumb right? Ed was so smart to not hook up with me. He is not what I want, or need.  

I wanted to tell him this, because I hate that I gave him the keys of power over me.  That he thinks that I might be still pining for him. I had this whole text written out, about how I was going to say that I am over the whole thing, and my roommates told me not to send it. They said I can't control what people think about me. (though I'd like to) 

I'll be brave. I hate that he might think that I still want him. Dumb. 

Oh well. 

The end.  

Happy St. Patty's day!

What Hurts the Most...

After 4 horrible days of dieting, I needed closure.  

He had made no, NO, effort to contact me. I kept playing this game in my head that "oh he must just be busy, it'll still work out." "That surely in an hour I'll have a text from him."  Every day I did this, and everyday I was let down. I can only describe it by saying that it was like breaking up with myself: over and over and over again. He wouldn't take the step to tell me that I had false hope, so I just kept holding on... to nothing.

But today I couldn't handle the chaos anymore. The inner war with myself had to be extinguished. 

I called him and told him that I couldn't live like this. That I was hoping that he would man up, and show me that he really wanted me, but with no avail. I then told him that he had to tell me what was going on.

He paused, and then said he couldn't give me what I wanted. But that he felt bad because he knows I don't do guy friends well, but that he wanted to be my friend.  (then I said the part that I am proud of:) I said that I have been honest with him from the beginning, and that I would let him know if we couldn't be friends.  I then said thank you for letting me know (FINALLY!) and that I needed to go. 

No tears shed. It is total relief to finally know what the heck is going on!!! 

What hurts the most is that he didn't respect our friendship enough to even tell me before now. That we hadn't talked for SO long and he didn't just shoot me a text asking me if everything was alright. He didn't make an effort, meaning he didn't care.

One day, I'll be loved.  

dO YoU knOW wHat iT FeEls LiKE?

Ed and I talked. 
And after I felt sick. 
I was drained. 
I was confused. 
I was unhappy. 
I wanted to throw up.

I thought that things were looking better. 
That there was light at the end of this tunnel. 
That I would not be hanging in mid-air anymore. 
But now I am even more confused at which direction to go. 
And I seem higher off the ground, not closer to it. 


He said that he likes me. He said that he is now debating if he wants to get into a relationship with me. Weighing the options, seeing if we would be compatible. He said he doesn't want to get together and then realize it is wrong in two months. 


BUT THAT IS WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE! 


He said that he has never had reservations like he does with me. That's what is holding him back. He said that he doesn't feel like he can be himself around me.


Then I asked him what he expects from me. What are we doing right now then? He said I should just do what I want. WHAT I WANT?! I want to not be doing this. I want to know where I am going. What do I really want?      control.   I hate feeling like I don't know what is happening. That there is no end. He then brought up how I want to know things right then, and that he just "let's it happen."  


Well I've decided what is going to happen. Nothing. Not on this side. If he wants something to happen then he will have to make it happen. I'm done.  I'm sick of this roller coaster. I don't even like roller coasters. No more effort on this end. No more looking into his talking about wedding colors, and then no affection. Nothing. 


I wish I could feel nothing. At least for today. But for now I am just going to stay busy. I am strong. I need to be with someone who needs me. And if he doesn't then I will find someone who will.  


My month of not putting effort into boys starts today. Concerning myself with other activities starts now. 

Honestly....

I don't know if I'm just too old for such things, or if I just have been burned too many times to give in, but I HATE playing games.

Dating games that is! I love these babies!

Ed and I met on a lie. He didn't even know my real name till probably the second time we hung out. But once we started getting to know one another, I told him I'm all about honesty, and he said the same to me.  

It was tough at first, hearing the blunt truth about some things, like his past loves and current feelings for them, but I would rather know upfront what is going on.

He has always said that I can ask him anything, and I do.  

Currently we still aren't sure where we stand, or how to define "us" and though things are kinda confusing in that area of life, it isn't a game of catch and release.  

No fishing going on here. No games. 

And as happy as I am about how honest we are, HONESTLY I hope that things get a little clearer this week....

wHaT A wOmAN WanTS....

I dated him:

  I had met him before, but got set up by my brother and a friend. The first date went well. On paper he is my dream guy.  

-My dream husband profession

-Funny and creative 

-Sporty

-A family guy

-Studious

-Caring

-Dedicated

-Respectful

-the list goes on and on...

I was super excited when he asked me out at the end of our first date.  As he came to pick me up for our second date, I had the pre-date jitters.  I had a whole week to place him up on a golden pedestal. When I opened the door to him, and as we had our first interactions with each other after our first date, it hit me and I knew.  There was no chemistry. 

I gave him plenty of chances that night to prove to me that there was that connection.  But after feeling all night like I was alone, I knew that this would be my last date with him. 

(I'll have to tell you how this became the longest date of my night, even after this point! But that's another story for another time....)

The point I am trying to make is that right now I have this connection with Ed.  There are things with Ed that I never would have predicted I would be interested in. Don't get me wrong, he has all the important things, things that are up on that list, there are just some things (like he's the youngest in his family) that I imagined differently. Yet, he is what I want.  

As I realized today how this has all played out: turning out the man who checks off every little thing I ever thought I wanted, and then wanting something totally different. I now know that what you want on paper isn't everything. You can't map out your perfect match. Matt and I can't just talk about anything and enjoy ourselves like Ed and I can. I would NOT be happy being with Matt. 

 Life is funny, isn't it? 

edward

So I have this problem: this guy I like is now being called EDWARD.

And as much as I like this guy, I don't like Twilight that much. So the connection is killing this for me. Therefore I have now decided to shorten it for us all.  He will now on be referred to as Ed.

  

Plus Ed Westwick is much cuter than Edward Cullen, sorry. :)

Tele-pathetic!

Favorite part about my recent date with Edward?  I had been craving this place all day long, and I get into the car and he takes me to the exact place that I was hoping for! Yay!

And super cool that he can read my thoughts…

I’m really liking this guy, and we have talked a lot recently, and though things are still confusing, I am being patient. 

We have a really open relationship, and I can talk to him about anything and everything. So I asked him where he stood (not in those exact terms,) but I just asked him if I was wasting my time.  I understand that he moves slow, but I just needed to know if expecting for this to ever go anywhere was asking too much.

To make a long story short: His response? No…

update

Well this week has been long and hard. I haven't been in a real relationship in quite a while, and the one guy that I am FINALLY interested in is currently confused on what he wants.  Love is never easy is it?

I keep going through this cycle of wanting to tell him that he needs to decided to date me now or never, and then I feel bad and realize that this isn't easy for him and cut him some slack, and next I decide that none of this is worth my tears and effort and decide to just drop it all and forget it all. It is this endless cycle, of me thinking that he isn't what I want anyway, and then thinking that I could marry him if he would have me.

I got some really good advice the other day, I was talking to a boy about my situation and, of course, he compared this all to food. He said that if you have never tasted pizza, you can't say one way or the other if you like pizza. You have to try it, to actually know if you like it or not. That Edward will never know if this will work out if he never gives it a shot. And, in his favor, if it doesn't work out he is in the same spot he started in.

The thing is, and the reason why I haven't brought this up with him, is that Edward is actually protecting me. He doesn't want to lead me on, and to go through the motions when his heart was never in it.

So I'm not sure what I am doing with this all yet.  Everyone keeps telling me I need to go on lots of dates right now, the problem is that I don't have a ton of control over being asked out. (Don't let my roommate hear me say that though. She thinks I spend too much energy on Edward, when she thinks that if I were to open myself up to more options I would get asked out.  But I can't help that I like to talk to Edward.)  Though my date with David was a bit gross, I was glad I went, to be out with someone who doesn't know about this whole situation, and who gave me undivided attention.

I don't know. I feel like everyone I would get advice from is already invested in this situation.  Meaning they have strong feelings in one way or the other.  It is easy to be a bystander, and suggest just dropping this guy. But they don't understand how picky I am, how hard it is for me to be impressed like this.
But then they might see the faults I don't. 

I've been told that I should never tell a guy straight out that I like him. But I did.  Am I wasting my time?

Am I just going to trust that if this relationship isn't meant to happen, that this is a lesson that I am meant to learn. Relationships are so scary. Vulnerability is frightening, but I had a friend say this to me this week, and it's hard but true:
You have to be open to heartache. Heartache is a part of relationships. 

 

Lip Smackin' Good

If having the same chap stick means anything, then we are meant for each other! 

I went out with Edward, and had a FABULOUS TIME! I can talk to him for hours, and am so interested in him. This hasn't happened in a LONG time. I don't even know how to explain it, I just really like him. 

I have a MAJOR crush.

Story Book Romance

I’m being selfish.  I have these two boys in my life. One of them is my love interest, the other one my best friend. The problem is that I want both of their attention.

I love when my best friend comes over, we have the same sense of humor, and can talk for hours about nothing.  He is the sweetest nicest guy, but I’m not interested in him like that. I wish I was, because we really do get along great.

 Here is the hard part, I love him, he is my best friend, I want the very best for him, but I don’t want him to leave me.

He brightens my day and makes me happy, but I couldn’t even imagine kissing him.  I just am not attracted to him in that way! We can be hanging out having a great time, but as soon as my love interest walks into the room my heart starts beating faster and all my attention is on him.  This best friend knows I like him, and so I don’t feel like I am playing with his heart, and things are really progressing with my love interest.

Here is the bad part: while telling this story to a friend I realized what this sounds like… can anyone guess? The girl in the middle wanting the one she loves, but also not wanting to lose her best friend in the process?

TWILIGHT!!!

As much as I hate to admit it, my life is sounding a bit like Twilight right now. 

Wanna hear something stupid: in the book I'm a Jacob fan.