update

Well this week has been long and hard. I haven't been in a real relationship in quite a while, and the one guy that I am FINALLY interested in is currently confused on what he wants.  Love is never easy is it?

I keep going through this cycle of wanting to tell him that he needs to decided to date me now or never, and then I feel bad and realize that this isn't easy for him and cut him some slack, and next I decide that none of this is worth my tears and effort and decide to just drop it all and forget it all. It is this endless cycle, of me thinking that he isn't what I want anyway, and then thinking that I could marry him if he would have me.

I got some really good advice the other day, I was talking to a boy about my situation and, of course, he compared this all to food. He said that if you have never tasted pizza, you can't say one way or the other if you like pizza. You have to try it, to actually know if you like it or not. That Edward will never know if this will work out if he never gives it a shot. And, in his favor, if it doesn't work out he is in the same spot he started in.

The thing is, and the reason why I haven't brought this up with him, is that Edward is actually protecting me. He doesn't want to lead me on, and to go through the motions when his heart was never in it.

So I'm not sure what I am doing with this all yet.  Everyone keeps telling me I need to go on lots of dates right now, the problem is that I don't have a ton of control over being asked out. (Don't let my roommate hear me say that though. She thinks I spend too much energy on Edward, when she thinks that if I were to open myself up to more options I would get asked out.  But I can't help that I like to talk to Edward.)  Though my date with David was a bit gross, I was glad I went, to be out with someone who doesn't know about this whole situation, and who gave me undivided attention.

I don't know. I feel like everyone I would get advice from is already invested in this situation.  Meaning they have strong feelings in one way or the other.  It is easy to be a bystander, and suggest just dropping this guy. But they don't understand how picky I am, how hard it is for me to be impressed like this.
But then they might see the faults I don't. 

I've been told that I should never tell a guy straight out that I like him. But I did.  Am I wasting my time?

Am I just going to trust that if this relationship isn't meant to happen, that this is a lesson that I am meant to learn. Relationships are so scary. Vulnerability is frightening, but I had a friend say this to me this week, and it's hard but true:
You have to be open to heartache. Heartache is a part of relationships.