dO YoU knOW wHat iT FeEls LiKE?

Ed and I talked. 
And after I felt sick. 
I was drained. 
I was confused. 
I was unhappy. 
I wanted to throw up.

I thought that things were looking better. 
That there was light at the end of this tunnel. 
That I would not be hanging in mid-air anymore. 
But now I am even more confused at which direction to go. 
And I seem higher off the ground, not closer to it. 


He said that he likes me. He said that he is now debating if he wants to get into a relationship with me. Weighing the options, seeing if we would be compatible. He said he doesn't want to get together and then realize it is wrong in two months. 


BUT THAT IS WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE! 


He said that he has never had reservations like he does with me. That's what is holding him back. He said that he doesn't feel like he can be himself around me.


Then I asked him what he expects from me. What are we doing right now then? He said I should just do what I want. WHAT I WANT?! I want to not be doing this. I want to know where I am going. What do I really want?      control.   I hate feeling like I don't know what is happening. That there is no end. He then brought up how I want to know things right then, and that he just "let's it happen."  


Well I've decided what is going to happen. Nothing. Not on this side. If he wants something to happen then he will have to make it happen. I'm done.  I'm sick of this roller coaster. I don't even like roller coasters. No more effort on this end. No more looking into his talking about wedding colors, and then no affection. Nothing. 


I wish I could feel nothing. At least for today. But for now I am just going to stay busy. I am strong. I need to be with someone who needs me. And if he doesn't then I will find someone who will.  


My month of not putting effort into boys starts today. Concerning myself with other activities starts now.