Except not...

I was told last night by a guy friend, that I could get ANY guy I wanted. At first I thought he was just being sweet, and was complimenting me. 


But when I said, with a cock-eyed glance, "oh really? Go ahead and explain my last few attempts..."  


He responded that if I were to throw myself at a guy, and do WHATEVER it takes to get a him, then I wouldn't have any problems. 


Yes, I could have any mo-jo of the street if I lower my standards, if I were to do anything they wanted.


But I don't want to be used.
I want to be true to myself.  
So here I am, still waiting for Mr. Right. 


xoxo 
Ava 

Just an FYI...

As I wrote my last post I looked into Buble thinking if things didn't work out between me and my dear Rupert Friend then I would not mind at all if she would set me up with Michael. Usually I don't do sloppy seconds, but for him I would. 

But as I looked into it, come to find out, it is too late.

He is getting married this week. On Saturday in fact. To this beautiful model. 

Recognize her?

yep, she was in his music video, after he wrote THIS song for her. 

I guess I'll cross him off my list... Mazel Tov!

if I could trade lives with one person for a day...

dear emily blunt, I adore you!

I loved you in Devil Wears Prada as the snarky, redhead assistant.

I loved your role as the witty love interest and amazing dancer in The Adjustment Bureau.

(though I still am undecided with how much I like the actual movie)

and I am now OBSESSED with your movie Young Victoria.

 Amazing job acting, the movie was BEAUTIFUL... almost as beautiful as Rupert Friend. He broke up with Keira Knightly last year, so Emily, if you could, set a sister up! I am in love! He is amazing, darling, so hot, and adorable in this movie!!!

Anyhow, back to my admiration of Emily... not only has her film life been grand (she played the queen) but let me tell you about her love life!!

She dated this beaut for a while. Imagine him singing you to sleep!! It is said he wrote Everything about/for her! 

But after three years that ended....

 and now she is MARRIED to HIM!!!

 Dear John, you are a doll!! I can't wait to see your new movie Something Borrowed!

 dear emily, you are one lucky lucky girl!

Aren't they cute together!?!

Love her, love him, love this!

DIE.... T!

I hate diets. I do. I have to think of them more in terms of "lifestyle changes." 


Well like the other "diets" I have been on, I tend to cheat.  Like the whole, reduce the intake of sugars part, well fruit snacks aren't sugar right? So I can eat as many as I want right?.... I just justify myself. They aren't candy.... I'm bad, I know. 


So with my Man diet... I am doing really good at not instigating anything. One night I kinda cheated, but I confessed immediately to my girlfriend who started me on this "lifestyle change." But so far I having started texting any guy first, or anything in that nature. 


BUT.... I do still think about boys all the time. Maybe not ALL, but still not enough to say I'm not thinking about it. 


A step in the right direction?


It sure is hard to break old habits. 


BUT.... on the positive side: I am focusing a ton more on improving myself, and have already started to learn some new talents. Lets just say my poor left finger tips are raw... but I will conquer those stupid cords! 


Slowly but surely the turtle wins the race.

especially if you are a ninja turtle!!!

Single... with children.

Heaven bless all those single parents out there.  

If being around children has taught me anything it is this: I NEVER WANT TO BE A SINGLE PARENT. 

Not that I think anyone plans on that, but man kids can be exhausting! 

So be prepared future husband: this is not a one woman show! 

I was shocked when a suitor of mine told me that in his 27 years of life he has NEVER changed a baby's diaper!!! 

BACK UP THE BUS! 

You have some real life coming your way if we were to ever get serious. That's all I'm sayin....

-Ava

I fell in love with love...

If you don't know what song I am referring to in my title, I suggest you go watch this right now! And this, since this is the real reference...

I want to cheer up after all this downer talk.  So last thing about this episode, and then I'm done.  

I realized today that I was in love with the thought of being in love. Dumb right? Ed was so smart to not hook up with me. He is not what I want, or need.  

I wanted to tell him this, because I hate that I gave him the keys of power over me.  That he thinks that I might be still pining for him. I had this whole text written out, about how I was going to say that I am over the whole thing, and my roommates told me not to send it. They said I can't control what people think about me. (though I'd like to) 

I'll be brave. I hate that he might think that I still want him. Dumb. 

Oh well. 

The end.  

Happy St. Patty's day!

What Hurts the Most...

After 4 horrible days of dieting, I needed closure.  

He had made no, NO, effort to contact me. I kept playing this game in my head that "oh he must just be busy, it'll still work out." "That surely in an hour I'll have a text from him."  Every day I did this, and everyday I was let down. I can only describe it by saying that it was like breaking up with myself: over and over and over again. He wouldn't take the step to tell me that I had false hope, so I just kept holding on... to nothing.

But today I couldn't handle the chaos anymore. The inner war with myself had to be extinguished. 

I called him and told him that I couldn't live like this. That I was hoping that he would man up, and show me that he really wanted me, but with no avail. I then told him that he had to tell me what was going on.

He paused, and then said he couldn't give me what I wanted. But that he felt bad because he knows I don't do guy friends well, but that he wanted to be my friend.  (then I said the part that I am proud of:) I said that I have been honest with him from the beginning, and that I would let him know if we couldn't be friends.  I then said thank you for letting me know (FINALLY!) and that I needed to go. 

No tears shed. It is total relief to finally know what the heck is going on!!! 

What hurts the most is that he didn't respect our friendship enough to even tell me before now. That we hadn't talked for SO long and he didn't just shoot me a text asking me if everything was alright. He didn't make an effort, meaning he didn't care.

One day, I'll be loved.  

My Diet.

I'm on a new diet. It consists of me not making any effort with boys. It is my boy diet. I can still interact with them, for it would be rude to completely ignore them. But I'm done being the instigator, and I want to be chased. 

The one thought that is helping me through this: If he really wants you; if he realizes how amazing you are; he will work for, follow, and come to you. 

I know this has nothing to do with my post, but I typed in "diet" to google, and this popped up. I love it! 

dO YoU knOW wHat iT FeEls LiKE?

Ed and I talked. 
And after I felt sick. 
I was drained. 
I was confused. 
I was unhappy. 
I wanted to throw up.

I thought that things were looking better. 
That there was light at the end of this tunnel. 
That I would not be hanging in mid-air anymore. 
But now I am even more confused at which direction to go. 
And I seem higher off the ground, not closer to it. 


He said that he likes me. He said that he is now debating if he wants to get into a relationship with me. Weighing the options, seeing if we would be compatible. He said he doesn't want to get together and then realize it is wrong in two months. 


BUT THAT IS WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE! 


He said that he has never had reservations like he does with me. That's what is holding him back. He said that he doesn't feel like he can be himself around me.


Then I asked him what he expects from me. What are we doing right now then? He said I should just do what I want. WHAT I WANT?! I want to not be doing this. I want to know where I am going. What do I really want?      control.   I hate feeling like I don't know what is happening. That there is no end. He then brought up how I want to know things right then, and that he just "let's it happen."  


Well I've decided what is going to happen. Nothing. Not on this side. If he wants something to happen then he will have to make it happen. I'm done.  I'm sick of this roller coaster. I don't even like roller coasters. No more effort on this end. No more looking into his talking about wedding colors, and then no affection. Nothing. 


I wish I could feel nothing. At least for today. But for now I am just going to stay busy. I am strong. I need to be with someone who needs me. And if he doesn't then I will find someone who will.  


My month of not putting effort into boys starts today. Concerning myself with other activities starts now. 

Honestly....

I don't know if I'm just too old for such things, or if I just have been burned too many times to give in, but I HATE playing games.

Dating games that is! I love these babies!

Ed and I met on a lie. He didn't even know my real name till probably the second time we hung out. But once we started getting to know one another, I told him I'm all about honesty, and he said the same to me.  

It was tough at first, hearing the blunt truth about some things, like his past loves and current feelings for them, but I would rather know upfront what is going on.

He has always said that I can ask him anything, and I do.  

Currently we still aren't sure where we stand, or how to define "us" and though things are kinda confusing in that area of life, it isn't a game of catch and release.  

No fishing going on here. No games. 

And as happy as I am about how honest we are, HONESTLY I hope that things get a little clearer this week....

wHaT A wOmAN WanTS....

I dated him:

  I had met him before, but got set up by my brother and a friend. The first date went well. On paper he is my dream guy.  

-My dream husband profession

-Funny and creative 

-Sporty

-A family guy

-Studious

-Caring

-Dedicated

-Respectful

-the list goes on and on...

I was super excited when he asked me out at the end of our first date.  As he came to pick me up for our second date, I had the pre-date jitters.  I had a whole week to place him up on a golden pedestal. When I opened the door to him, and as we had our first interactions with each other after our first date, it hit me and I knew.  There was no chemistry. 

I gave him plenty of chances that night to prove to me that there was that connection.  But after feeling all night like I was alone, I knew that this would be my last date with him. 

(I'll have to tell you how this became the longest date of my night, even after this point! But that's another story for another time....)

The point I am trying to make is that right now I have this connection with Ed.  There are things with Ed that I never would have predicted I would be interested in. Don't get me wrong, he has all the important things, things that are up on that list, there are just some things (like he's the youngest in his family) that I imagined differently. Yet, he is what I want.  

As I realized today how this has all played out: turning out the man who checks off every little thing I ever thought I wanted, and then wanting something totally different. I now know that what you want on paper isn't everything. You can't map out your perfect match. Matt and I can't just talk about anything and enjoy ourselves like Ed and I can. I would NOT be happy being with Matt. 

 Life is funny, isn't it? 

edward

So I have this problem: this guy I like is now being called EDWARD.

And as much as I like this guy, I don't like Twilight that much. So the connection is killing this for me. Therefore I have now decided to shorten it for us all.  He will now on be referred to as Ed.

  

Plus Ed Westwick is much cuter than Edward Cullen, sorry. :)

Tele-pathetic!

Favorite part about my recent date with Edward?  I had been craving this place all day long, and I get into the car and he takes me to the exact place that I was hoping for! Yay!

And super cool that he can read my thoughts…

I’m really liking this guy, and we have talked a lot recently, and though things are still confusing, I am being patient. 

We have a really open relationship, and I can talk to him about anything and everything. So I asked him where he stood (not in those exact terms,) but I just asked him if I was wasting my time.  I understand that he moves slow, but I just needed to know if expecting for this to ever go anywhere was asking too much.

To make a long story short: His response? No…